


Feelings

by CheerfullyCynical



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Basically the fam wants answers, Depressed Doctor, Doctor Who Spoilers!, Feelings are actually discussed, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Spoilers!, and the doctor gives it to them, angry doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28517478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheerfullyCynical/pseuds/CheerfullyCynical
Summary: REVOLUTION OF THE DALEKS SPOILERS********The fam pushes too hard... And the Doctor falls.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Jack Harkness, Thirteenth Doctor & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 106





	Feelings

Captain Jack Harkness.

The Doctor smirked to herself, head shaking side to side in her own disbelief. A true friend – a friend she didn’t deserve, really. She wondered what she had done to have a friend that would risk a nearly twenty years in prison. The more she thought about it, the more her guilt grew.

“Hey,” Jack asked, “Really, you okay?”

She looked away, eyes stuck on white tally marks against grey concrete.

“Yeah,” She replied, plastering on her bright smile, “Of course I am.”

A pause… A huge, gigantic pause that dared to become stifling. Her and emotions had never been properly in line, and she feared that if Jack pushed, everything would come spilling out.

“So,” Jack said, “Shower… Change… Bed?”

Relief (disappointment?) was rolling off her in waves, causing her arms to swing into a clap. She didn’t think she could begin to describe what had happened with the lone Cyberman to her… About the Master… About Gallifrey.

About her.

“Ah, yes, shower, change, bed… In that order.” The Doctor answered, rolling her eyes, hearts still beating fast, “What? Too tired for an innuendo?”

Jack laughed, “The ‘ _with you’_ was implied, but I know it’ll take more work than that to get you to join in.”

“Well, you know me,” the red on her jumpsuit had become crimson, “hard work.”

Just keep smiling... keep pushing everything as far as it could go. She was always a runner. All she had to do was run from this. 

So, she let herself believe that Jack believed in her. 

“See you in a bit, Doctor. Six hours, tops!”

She watched as he retreated down her own TARDIS hallway, his own outfit much bulker on his form. He didn’t look right, not without his coat, and she wondered if that’s what he thought of her… If it was just the outfit change that made her different.

The TARDIS beeped at her, properly welcoming her back. This time, the smile she had was not fake. “Hello, old girl,” She said, running her hands against the console, “Been a bit, eh? I… Yeah, it’s been a bit. Lots to… Do.”

Nineteen years.

In the grand scheme of things – in her own _lifetime_ of waiting – it was quite literally a blink of an eye. The cell was boring and cold, but it wasn’t exactly a hardship. In fact, having some time to herself to gather her thoughts was probably a good thing.

Probably… Mostly not. Her and her thoughts had never been a steady stream of consciousness. She would argue that having no outlet for never ending questions and equations seemed to drive others running away, her right alongside with them.

Without the physical exertion – distraction – she was simply lost.

She was forced to think about what had occurred on Gallifrey – forced to replay that scene of _them (Gallifreyans? Part of the Division? People she trusted?)_ in Ireland over and over again, trying to make sense of the plaque – of the hidden message of Ireland her… _Caretaker_ had left for her to find.

Forced to think about what kind of crime she had committed that led her to a life in prison. Wondered if it was just her stint with the Judoon – if the younger Doctor she had met had done so much worse than offended them.

She was angry… All the time. She hated that about herself.

Angry thoughts seemed to always bring her to her most hated person – her oldest enemy.

She had thought about the Master, about her oldest _friend_. Felt what could only be described as the five stages of grief about a million times. Mostly, she lingered on denial. He had escaped death so many times, it was hard to think that he was gone.

Harder to think that her past, a past she didn’t even know about, was the reason.

The TARDIS beeped at her once again, one loud and shrill note, and the Doctor blinked. She wasn’t cold… She wasn’t stuck in a cell. She was home, and that could – _will_ be enough.

“Yeah,” She said, “Shower, change, bed. Then… Then find my fam.”

Walking through the hallways of her home was intoxicating. She found herself getting lost on purpose, walking as long as she could through doorways she hadn't seen in centuries. Her hand was constantly on the wall, palm rubbing against the different, familiar textures.

At one point, when the TARDIS had finally forced her in front of her bedroom door, the Doctor could only stare at it. She dared to think about what was inside – memories and mementos that stood tall on her dresser, pictures she dreamed of admiring when she was in that cell.

Now? Now she didn’t want to see them. Now, it was too painful a reminder of all she lost.

Tears leaked from her eyes – frustration and anger bubbling inside of her – and she forced her body into moving.

She didn’t remember taking a shower. She didn’t feel the burning water on her skin, or the smell of her favorite shampoo. She couldn’t bring herself to enjoy the softness of her bed – wouldn’t dare look at the photos of those that had loved her.

Instead, she stared up at her blank ceiling, white rather than gray, and fell asleep.

Ten months.

She didn’t understand it. She had set the coordinates. She had found the TARDIS she had sent with her fam. How had this happened?

She understood how important time was to her humans. Of course she did. How many nights did she spend wondering how long they had left with her? How many nights had she tried to convince herself that she wasn’t being cruel to them?

“I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t enough… They didn’t understand. This was why she was doomed to be lonely.

_She was so angry._

She had done everything right. No, she had done everything to do right by her fam. She had saved them! She made sure they had a better ending than most that traveled with her.

That victory was all she had in that cell… Now, another thing was taken from her.

And then…There were daleks.

“Where were you then?”

 _No._ She didn’t want to talk about that with them. It was easier to pretend, to lie, when they didn’t confront her directly. That’s why she went over to look at their notes, avoiding their stares.

“Told you,” She said, nodding as she read something about a new defense project, “space jail! Now, who’s Jack Robertson and why does that name sound slightly familiar?”

“You don’t get to do that,” Yaz said, and her tone harsh, “You – you don’t get to just _come back_ and act like everything’s normal again. We thought you died!”

She pulled together a smile, “Didn’t though! And now, much more pressing matters to deal with, yeah?”

The reunion was supposed to be anything other than this. Every scenario that she had gone through in her head of reuniting with her fam had been a happy occasion. It was supposed to be a jump right back into normal.

How had she spent billions of years trapped in a confession dial, yet nineteen years had seemed to have done her so much worse?

“No,” Ryan said in a tone she had never heard from him, “we don’t have more pressing matters. We have us right now, only us, and it’s not fair of you to keep us-”

“Fair?”

_She was angry, and she hated that every part of her didn’t know herself. She hated that the Master had been right, that the news of the Timeless Child had broken every part of her. Hated that all she wanted to do was rage… And yet she couldn’t._

“This isn’t about fair,” She told them, words spilling from her mouth like poison, “Gallifrey, the Master, _me,_ my past _…_ Everything I have ever known is gone, and you dare bring up fair?”

“Doctor…”

But she didn’t heed Jack’s warning.

“You three have seen more of my past than any other of my companions. You’ve met the Master, you’ve been on my home planet.”

A realization, “Ask me,” She said, “You wanted to ask me on Gallifrey. Ask me what the Master showed me.”

She was scaring them, yet none of them looked deterred. Only Jack stood behind them, back against her TARDIS. She wondered what she looked like to him – wondered if she was finally the monster the Master said she could be.

“What did he show you?”

She smiled, all teeth, “Nineteen years spent in a cell, alone with my thoughts… Alone with the realization that there will never be anyone like me, that I don’t even know who I am anymore… ” She chuckled darkly, “They took everything from me - my people. They used my DNA to create the Time Lords… My memories, my identity… I’m so much older than I thought – older than thousands of planet’s life cycle – and yet I have no idea what I’ve done. I have no idea who I am.”

“Maybe the Master was right. Maybe I should have died with him on Gallifrey.”

“Don’t say that.” Yaz said – kind, brilliant Yaz.

She was too angry to care.

“But ten months…” A choked laugh escaped her, “Ironic, for a time traveler. Ten months too late to have everything back to normal, to forget about everything that happened. Ten months with a Dalek invasion over my head.”

“Once again,” She whispered, unable to stand the look in their eyes, “the Doctor has to save the day.”

No one said a word. They knew, they all knew, that the universe had pushed her too far.

“I need air,” She said, nodding to herself, trying to find her way. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No,” Yaz said, “Doctor, we didn’t know. You… You never tell us anything and-”

“I don’t even have the right to my life,” The Doctor said, “Yet…”

It wasn’t them. None of them was them. They had a right to be angry with her… They had their own feelings to deal with, their own experiences. She had left them, and they were allowed to be upset.

But why did it hurt so much that they had chosen anger first, rather than comfort?

“How about we all take a moment,” Jack said, “Take a trip in the TARDIS and come back to the problem?”

“Yeah,” The Doctor said for them all, “A moment. Moment sounds good.”

Jack led her fam into the TARDIS… She let them say their apologizes, even let Yaz hug her, but there was something far too heavy in her chest to understand what they were trying to tell her. Why did they have to push? Would they even stay after her outburst?

“You too, Doctor,” Jack said, his eyes betraying his cheery attitude, “you most of all.”

She sighed, exhausted. 

The Doctor was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed!!! I just wanted 13 to kind of explode (to quote the Master "be broken") and I wanted to the fam to see that. I wish the comforted her more, but it just didn't fit in here. 
> 
> What you all think of the special??? I'm always down to chat about it!
> 
> As always, if you want to talk about Doctor Who, need someone to rant to, or just want a new blog to follow, I'm over on tumblr at cheerfullycynicalfandom.tumblr.com


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